1. Being gay is not natural
…and real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester and air conditioning
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay
…in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior
…people may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around for a long time and hasn’t changed
…which is why women are property, interracial marriage is banned and divorce is illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed
…we can’t possibly let the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55 hour just-for-fun marriage be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children
…therefore gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our population isn’t out of control, our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously, gay parents would raise gay children
…since of course straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion
…and in a theocracy like ours, the values of religion are imposed on the entire country (which is why we only have one religion in America).
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home
…
which is exactly why we as a society expressly forbid single parents from raising children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to social norms
…just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, and longer life spans.
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