I was asked this question a few days ago.
And here's my take:
I expect that my husband will deploy multiple times throughout his military career. Most men (and women!) want the combat experience. They joined the military to serve their country and some don't feel like "real" soliders, sailors, marines, airmen etc until they've gone overseas and into a war zone.
That being said, I will be far more amenable/receptive to a volunteered deployment or unaccompanied tour if Drew comes home and talks to me about his wishes ahead of time. If he had made that decision all on his own without talking to me first, I'd be without question: hurt/insulted.
I fully expect my husband to deploy multiple times throughout his career, so that's not the problem. But I would draw exception to his making a decision that would affect our family unit in a HUGE way without consulting me, his partner, in it. If I understood what his wishes were ahead of time -- I'd be far more receptive to a volunteered deployment. With the knowledge that my Marine enlisted with the intent to deploy, for me, personally, while maybe he shouldn't HAVE to talk to me about it [maybe it's a given/implication that deployments are something he wants to do], I think it would be a respectful, considerate gesture to at least give me, his spouse, the heads up. I would certainly involve him if I was making a decision to say, go to Africa for 8+ months to assist a nonprofit group with their humanitarian efforts. (Let's just pretend that this was something I was passionate about for argument's sake.) I think my husband would be not only shocked, but wounded that I made a decision like that without communicating how passionate I was for the cause and how I would feel doing such important work!
So what say ye? How would you feel if your service member came home and told you that s/he volunteered for a deployment/unaccompanied tour?
I would expect that he would talk to me about it first. "Needs of the Army/Corps/et.al." and all, but we still deserve respect as spouses, not just doormats to a military career.
ReplyDeleteI knew a young couple who married quickly. The wife expected to move from her hometown to a certain Army post; it wasn't conditional to the marriage but hey, she was all of 20 and leaving her family for the first time. Her husband volunteered for a different post (a shitty post, mind you) that would lead to a deployment shortly afterwards. He went home, told her she wasn't going to Seattle but Northern NY and deploying, and she just had to deal. Suffice it to say, it seems they never got their relationship together and aren't married anymore. I'm not saying that one incident was the start of something, but it definitely showed how he felt about marriage and his wife.
My husband has expressed to me that he has wanted to deploy again. In fact, he requested an infantry battalion when he reenlisted in 2010 so the chances of him deploying were higher. His job does not put him directly in the line of combat, which is comforting. I feel as though that is why he is in the service though, to serve his country no matter where that may be, in the U.S. or overseas. I know of a few individuals that are scared to deploy/attempt to avoid it at all costs and I wonder why they joined to begin with because it seems inevitable for a majority of men and women, but obviously not all. I just feel as though there should be some sort of desire to deploy when there is some sort of conflict in the world that the U.S. is involved with when you do join the military.
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